Monday, April 18, 2016

Madam CEO - Decision Making

Many people when looking at the Female Led Marriage lifestyle consider it to be very one sided.  The wife gets all the benefit and the husband gets nothing.  For those of us actually in FLMs we know different.  A FLM is really just a different way of differentiating work.

Think about it this way; in a typical egalitarian marriage there are a set of tasks that need to be completed in the home.  Both individuals in the marriage theoretically divide the work equally between them and they each do their chores.  Sex is viewed the same way, both should give equally and receive equally.  I can tell you that in reality THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!!  There are a lot of very practical reasons why.  People's schedules vary, their mood varies, their energy levels vary.  People go through busy seasons at work.  One may work more hours than the other.  Then children come, and everything gets thrown into a tailspin.  Inevitably the division of work either ends up unequal, or the perception of the division of work by one of the individuals in the marriage is that the work is divided unequally.  Psychologists refer to this as cognitive dissonance.  It's the mental tension that exists when a person senses a difference between their expectations and their reality.  This tension often spills over into the physical life affecting the whole marriage.

The reality is that an egalitarian marriage is largely an ideal that can never be achieved.  The cognitive dissonance felt by a great many in their marriages is the cause of a great deal of unhappiness particularly among women in married relationships.

Now think of a factory for a moment.  What if every morning all of the employees showed up to work at the same time in the same room.  All of the executives, engineers, accountants, secretaries, line workers, and cleaning people  all on the floor of the factory.  Now the CEO steps forward and says, OK people I want everyone to put in a good days work.  Make sure that you all do the same amount of work.  Now everyone goes to work but no one has a role, so the accountants are working on the line for one hour while the cleaning people are trying to work the CAD program on the computer.  The secretaries are preparing financial statements, and the accountants are placing want adds in the newspaper.  After one hour they all rotate jobs and for the next hour they have a new role.

You can see from this silly example that trying to run an egalitarian workplace is really impossible.  If this fictitious company actually tried this, it would end in disaster.  So why do we try to hold our marriages to a standard that they could never possibly meet?  

The CEO of a company has a role, and ultimately one of their primary roles is to make decisions.  The decisions they make will determine whether or not the organization has success or failure.  No one looks at the CEO and says, I don't think you did your fair share of the work today, even if its true!  The reason is because you cannot measure a CEOs work in the same way you measure the output of a line worker in a factory.  If a front line worker makes 1000 widgets today the company might make $10,000.  But if the CEO conceptualizes a new product that catches on, one decision, the company could make millions of dollars.  Both roles are critically important, both roles are necessarily different.

We need to stop making our husbands and wives into equals trying to split hairs all day and keeping score of who's doing more or less.  In my home, my FEO, makes the decisions, I work the line.  Its that simple.  Could I be the FEO? Well, I was for many years, and it didn't go so well.  But since Ellie took over the FEO role, our home runs more smoothly than it ever has before.  It's easy for us to see that this is a better path for us.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Madam CEO - Providing the Proper Resources

One of the core responsibilities of a CEO is the provision of resources.  Typically these take two forms capital and people.  Provision of capital comes in the form of budgeting and evaluation of financial performance.  Keep in the mind the CEO is not the accountant.  That is a task assigned to a subordinate.  The CEO's job is allocating finds as they see fit to accomplish the vision.  The accountant provides the menial labor to see to it the money is handled properly, providing regular reports to the CEO for decision making.

I've mentioned this before but in our home Ellie sets our financial goals, she decides what projects we will undertake, what trips we will take, what we buy or don't buy.  My job as the accountant is to see to it that these goals are met and to physically move the funds, pay bills, and keep the budget up to date.  Ellie regularly reviews the budget with me and looks at how much money we have saved for each project.  If she wants more money allocated to groceries or children's activities she tells me and I make it happen.  If there is an upcoming expense that she is aware of, she lets me know and I begin to save for the expense.

The people part of the CEO's job is the allocation of individuals and their time for accomplishing tasks and projects as she sees fit for the volume and type of work.  Within the home, this comes in the form of the assignment of roles to family members.  Ellie's job in our family is to assign jobs to each of her subordinates.  In this regard, I am not much different from one of our children other than that I have a great deal more tasks assigned to me than they do since my abilities and age enable me to be able to complete more.  Ellie doesn't need to do this every day.  Typically when a company hires a person they are hired into a role; the role is defined clearly in a job description and that person doesn't need to be told every minute what to do.  Once they have received training the expectation is that the job will be completed.

Allot of men in FLMs want to have their every move dictated to them, but I can tell you this is not realistic and it is no benefit for the FEO.  Most women don't want or need that kind of responsibility.  If a CEO had to direct every move of their subordinates, they would not have any time to complete their other responsibilities.  As we have discussed, the FEO has other responsibilities as well.  Barking directives can be fun for a time, but at some point reality sets in and people just need to get the work done.  The benefit in our FLM to Ellie is that she gets to relax or spend time on her interests while I complete the day to day tasks she used to.  If Ellie had to spend all her time minding me, then there's really not much benefit in the relationship for her.  Ellie reminds me regularly that if I really want to impress her, I should simply do what I know she wants, rather than waiting for her to ask me to do it.  She will ask if she needs to but she would rather I take the initiative and do my job without her micromanaging me.  To me this is the difference between a real every day FLM and a kinky scene based FLM.  I'm not knocking the latter, for us however the former is more realistic for our lifestyle.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Madam CEO - Building the Culture

Interestingly I did a google search for the roles of a CEO and came across an article detailing the 5 core responsibilities of a CEO in Entrepreneur Magazine.  The five things they listed line up perfectly with the posts I have been writing so I am using them as the titles to my posts.

Today's discussion is on culture.  Culture is the set of attitudes, behaviors and shared values that characterize a group.  Left to their own devices any group will develop its own culture based on the personalities of the individuals that make up that group.  The CEO's job is to guide the company so that the attitudes, behaviors, and values properly represent those the CEO wants to see exemplified by her employees.

Before FLM, in our family, our culture was broken.  I was lazy and uninvolved.  Our
kids were disobedient and lazy too.  I mean, dad never helped mom so why would the kids.  I modeled for them that mom's job was to wait on us, so they let her.  Ellie was frustrated, but to her credit she rarely complained.  I think she saw it as her duty, and while she wasn't happy, she just kept it to herself and kept going.  Whenever she did bring anything up, I made it difficult.  I was argumentative and sensitive to criticism.  It was pretty much a mess.

Since becoming the FEO (Family Executive Officer) in our home Ellie has certainly changed the culture.  I defer to her in all things.  She corrects me openly in front of the children if I speak to her in a way she doesn't appreciate.  I, of course do most of the housework.  Ellie gets as much help and attention as she wants.  She doesn't think twice about correcting my behavior if it doesn't meet her expectations.

Ellie has transformed our values as well.  Before, I was hooked on junk food and soda.  I ate fast food every day, sometimes more than once a day, and I never exercised.  I played a lot of video games, and spent hours on the computer.  This all of course had to be changed.  The FEO needs to put controls in place to ensure that the values are followed.  For me the main control is my orgasm.  Since I no longer have access to my man parts, I spend a good deal of time trying to convince Ellie that I have earned the right to have an erection / orgasm.  This is very motivating to me.  Another control of course is that I have no access to cash or credit.  Without purchasing power I really have no ability to fail to meet Ellie's wishes related to my diet.  Ellie personally sees to it that I exercise most evenings.

The best part about our FLM for me at this point is how it transforms my desires.  I think for most people looking from the outside in, this all seems very manipulative, maybe even cruel.  But honestly, the thing I love the most about chastity is that it makes me WANT to serve Ellie.  I don't behave Ellie because if I fail to do so, I won't get release.  I obey Ellie because the sexual desire that chastity generates in me creates a very strong sense of loving devotion, one that causes me to want to make Ellie as happy as I can.  I actually miss it when not in chastity.  Its enough to make me want to go longer periods of time without orgasm.  Its very much like the feeling one has when you first fall in love but before sex.  That period of time when the guy is falling all over himself trying to make his girl happy.  That all goes away after the couple starts a sexual relationship, but I'm here to tell you that it is very possible to regain that special feeling you had in the beginning!

Monday, March 28, 2016

Madam CEO - Evaluation of Work

The FEO must also evaluate the work of their subordinates.  Just like in a company, when the FEO of our family gives a directive she should expect that it will be completed, on time, on budget, and with a high degree of competence.  If the work is acceptable, the subordinate is praised, if it isn't, there should be coaching and ultimately some form of discipline if the rules are not followed or if the job is consistently left undone or completed poorly.

Now how this is handled is very different in many families and even in FLM families, but make no mistake, there needs to be accountability or the work will eventually suffer.  I'm not going to go into all the ways that various couples manage this as it can get a bit out there and I'm trying to keep this on a level that will not scare off most wives.  Instead I am simply going to describe how we do it.

Every week, usually on Saturday night Ellie and I take a few moments and review the week.  Ellie gives me feedback on how I've done and what I can do better.  On this most recent Saturday Ellie informed me that she does not want me to wash towels with her other clothes.  She feels that they are too harsh on the material of her shirts and pants and wants me to wash them separately from now on.  Interestingly when Ellie used to do laundry she would take anything and throw it all in the washer together, even colors that shouldn't go together.  One of her first assignments Ellie made for me when we entered a FLM, was that she assigned me the laundry as my job.  She hasn't touched a load of laundry since.  Now however, since she no longer has to worry about the laundry getting done she can focus on the manner in which it is completed.  She has the freedom to do that without fear of offending me.

So how does the area of accountability come into play with Ellie and I.  Its simple really.  I am in full time chastity.  Recently Ellie purchased a metal device for me (more on that later). I wear the device until such time as she sees fit to release me and she is under no obligation to do so.  Because of this, she has leverage to require whatever she likes of me.  This works without chastity as well but I can tell you it works MUCH better with chastity.

My role as Ellie's subordinate is to listen to her feedback and do my best to assimilate it into my work performance.  Keeping this perspective is important because if I don't maintain my focus my attitude can definitely slip.  I would say this is another area where chastity helps.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Madam CEO - Vision

In my last post I likened a wife in a female led marriage to a CEO.  I'm going to continue on this track for a little while as I think through this concept.  Instead of CEO I'm going to refer to Ellie as our FEO.  This is the Family Executive Officer.   I've heard the wife husband relationship likened to a master/slave, and a queen/knight.  But I think the CEO/Subordinate relationship is also an appropriate descriptor.  Not perfect but possibly some wife would identify with this idea better then the others.

The FEO sets the vision of the organization.  One of the roles of the CEO is to set the destination and chart the course to get there.  The day to day tasks are left to the subordinates.  An example of how this plays out with Ellie and I is the area of financial goals.  For instance recently Ellie told me she wanted the kitchen renovated.  The way this played out in real life was as follows: Ellie selected the company that will perform the renovation and the design.  She met with the contractor while I was at work and negotiated a quote for the completion of the job.  Only then was I brought into the project.  I didn't even know she had met with the vendor.  She handed me the quote for the work, told me that she wanted it completed by the end of the summer, and told me to figure out financially how to get it done.  Ellie is the visionary in the family.  She's unconcerned with the details of how to make it happen, she simply expects it to get done.

This is not unlike the way many companies handle operations.  The CEO sets the vision, charts the course and then makes the subordinates aware of the plan.  It is their job to carry out the plan to achieve the vision.  Another example is our vacations.  I have not been involved in deciding our vacation destinations in nearly three years.  In about a month we will leave for a trip.  Ellie decided the location, and selected the hotel.  Next she showed them to me gave me the dates, the credit card, and told me to make the arrangements.  She hasn't had another thing to do with it since.  I arranged the money for the trip, booked the hotel and the flights and the transfers from the airport and I also booked her a massage while we are there.  I will do the laundry, pack the bags and put them in the car.  All Ellie has to do is wake up, get dressed and get in the car.  Every detail will be done for her.  That's power.  Its also very relaxing to know that you don't have responsibility for anything, you just have to show up and expect that things will be done properly.

In order for the FEO to properly cast vision, she has to be unencumbered with the day to day.  If she has to spend all her time concerned with the details of how everything is getting done in the family then she's not going to be able to put nearly as much energy into her primary role.  Contrast this with the fact that many husbands in the FLR lifestyle lament that their wives do not take enough control in the relationship (this one included). They long for the FEO to spend hours every day telling them exactly what to do.  But if you truly want to set your wife free to be the FEO, then unencumber her from the mundane.  Should she have to ask you to housework?  You know it needs to be done, so just do it.  Ellie likes to have her coffee delivered to her when she awakens.  I don't wait for her to ask.  I ask her at bedtime when she would like to wake up.  If she wants to wake up at 0700, then I get up at 6:45 to make her coffee and I awaken her with a kiss.  Ellie hasn't used an alarm clock in a long time.  I am her alarm clock.

Guys, think of yourself as the administrative assistant to the FEO.  Your job is to determine what she wants or needs and make sure its there when she needs it, not before, not after.  Your FEO should not have to repeatedly ask for what you know she wants.  Maybe if you try approaching her in this way, you will find that she has more time to think about your relationship and what it means to her that her husband is serving her!

Monday, March 21, 2016

Madam CEO

One of the common things I read is that the guy in a FLM is all in, but the female is more tentative, more unsure.  Every relationship is different, but I suspect that in those relationships where the FLM was not a decision of the female but instead, a request of the male, the wife needs a lot of time to come to terms with the idea that her once unsupportive, unengaged mate suddenly transforms into a supportive engaged mate overnight.  I think there is a bit of distrust as to whether or not these changes are real or just an act, this was definitely the case for Ellie and I.  In this scenario, the wife may be reluctant to truly hand over the bulk of her worries and work to her husband because she doesn't really believe he truly wants them.

As the husband, you can tell your wife you're willing, but you can't make her trust you; that should come with time.  But I would take it a step farther and submit to you that I think the perspective of the wife in this scenario is not what it should be.  As the wife, if you decide to engage in a FLM simply because your husband wants it, then you aren't really in an FLM.  You are still in a husband led marriage in which your husband's desires are being carried out  by way of your dominant behavior.  That by definition cannot be Female Led.  {I want to take an aside here because if there's one thing I hate its blogs, and comments on blogs, that tell you your doing it wrong.  In the end, no matter your situation,  if you can make a go of it, you aren't doing it wrong}  A Female Led marriage is one in which the wife decides not only the direction of the marriage but the terms.  Her priorities become his priorities, Her desires (sexual or otherwise), become his desires.  I believe that its only in this context that the wife can truly relax and be the woman she would be if she weren't hindered by anyone or anything.

If you identify with the woman I described above, then I think you have a choice to make.  Do you want a Female Led Marriage or not?  If you do, then you need to take control of your marriage.  Its not going to look the way your husband imagines it will.  That needs to be OK with him.  After all, he asked for this, remember?  You need to stop worrying about whether he really wants this or not and simply lead.  This may not be your nature, it may not even be in your DNA.  But if you were suddenly made the CEO of a company bearing your name, you wouldn't spend all your time worried about whether or not your employees wanted to obey you, you would simply expect their obedience.  You should approach your marriage the same way; IF this is what you want.  If it isn't what you want, then don't go down this road, turn around and go back, because it will lead to confusion and discontentment on the part of your husband and trouble in your relationship.

As the leader of your marriage, you may chose to have a fairly normal looking / traditional marriage.  That's probably not what your husband bargained for, but after all, he wants you to be in charge.  If he's really serious about being submissive, he will adjust to the idea eventually, but you will need to make it happen through your dominance.  He's probably going to push for his agenda.  But the employee doesn't set the agenda for a company, the CEO does.  Remind your husband of this when he steps out of line.

Sunday, February 7, 2016


I apologize to all of you who take the time to check in here.  I have not been very good about keeping you all in the loop.  The business of work, kids, and the holidays tend to be exhausting for us, so I have to give my full attention to these matters which doesn't leave a lot of time for other things.

Everything is fine however in Ellie-land.  With the holidays over and things pretty much back to normal I am able to turn my attention back here once again.  Recently Ellie decided she wanted to redecorate and so I've spent much of the last few weeks since Christmas running back and forth from home to the paint store, hanging new art, etc.  Now that the work is complete, Ellie has transformed much of our living space into the picture of what she has wanted for many years now, but was unable to accomplish because in the past, my priorities were the ones the money went toward.  Of course, this is not the case any longer.

Ellie also decided we would be taking a trip for our upcoming twentieth anniversary and booked us a room at a couples only resort on the beach in Mexico.  I have to admit, I am pretty excited about this trip.  I don't really like the beach, but the idea of being anywhere alone with Ellie for a week is amazing and I'm really looking forward to it.  I think the reason I love being away with Ellie is because when we are away Ellie transforms into the person I know she would be all the time if she didn't have anything else to worry about.  She loosens up, and we have more fun (wink, wink!).

This got me thinking, what is it that keeps her from being this person all the time. and what can I do to help her so that she can be that relaxed, fun loving person all the time.  That's not an easy question to answer and the truth is, some of the stressors in her world are beyond my ability to control.  But I have resolved to attempt to find as many of them as possible and do what I can to remove them.